The dilemma My partner and I have been together for two years and I could not be more in love with her. We spend our days laughing until our stomachs hurt. The problem is that she is 36 and a recovering gambling addict while I am 24 and have just recently graduated. She has accumulated several years of debt from friends, family and loan sharks. I naively lent her almost £2,000 from my savings at the beginning of our relationship. She told me at the time she needed it to pay her rent, but I’ve since found out she gambled it away.
Despite the fact that I earn less than her, she consistently runs out of money halfway through the month and I end up paying joint expenses. She pays me back, so other than the initial £2,000, which she has not yet started to pay back, I don’t end up out of pocket for too long. However, it is beginning to get me down.
My savings are now almost depleted and I want to keep the rest. However, she knows about the money and I feel like I cannot say no when she asks to borrow from me. Her mother recently called her in tears because she didn’t have enough for her rent and my partner expected me to lend it to her. Am I selfish for resenting this when I come from a much more stable background than she does?
Mariella replies Truth be told, not at all. The first thing we need to address is that you describe your partner as a recovering gambling addict. On the basis of what you’ve written I’m not sure the word “recovering” is appropriate. Taking £2,000 out of a graduating student’s meagre savings and failing to pay it back (and then delving further into your dwindling funds) is the act of a desperate, irresponsible adult.
My suspicion is that your partner is still gambling or, at the very least, has retained that fluctuating emotional addiction to her fiscal ups and downs. It would certainly explain her monthly funding crisis. I’m also concerned by her presumption that you are a kind of cash-cow on call to help her wider family with their financial woes. It’s so inappropriate that my suspicion is that the money was not for her mother at all, but to cover her own needs.
I want you to wake up and take a hard look at your circumstances. You are young with your future ahead of you. You have to ask yourself if this is an acceptable basis for a romantic relationship. Your longer letter indicates that you are in a same-sex relationship and it might be clearer if you were to turn this around: if this was a man 12 years your senior pressuring you for money, we would be much more censorious.
I would encourage you to contact a gambling addicts’ organisation (visit gamblersanonymous.org.uk and gamcare.org.uk) in order to be better advised on what to look out for in case your partner’s problem really is an ongoing issue and, if so, to help her get the guidance she needs. Even if she’s not gambling, this flow of money from your account to hers and the presumption that you are duty-bound to personally subsidise her carefree spending habits has to stop. Just because you love someone doesn’t mean it’s incumbent on you to roll over and do your party trick every time they command.
Supporting your partner’s irresponsible attitude to money is not an act of love and may well be detrimental to her in terms of her addiction. A functional relationship is either about sex and fun and a sell-by day, or the potential for evolution into the contentment and security that proves better glue for the long-term. A strong partnership creates a buffer against the vicissitudes of the wider world and makes the sacrifices worth the investment. You may have the former right now, but you’ll need to put some serious work into achieving the latter. Belly laughs are a good start, because if you can’t laugh together you definitely can’t stay together. But mutual respect, appreciation and understanding are also qualities that should be on your long-term list.
It’s not respectful of your girlfriend to treat you as a cashpoint. If taking a position on that causes a long-term rift, you’re better to do it now and escape from a relationship whose roots are mired in an addiction that you are powerless against. Alternatively, if your partner has simply developed a set of bad financial habits, you need to stand your ground and put her straight on why you can no longer be her financial cushion.
You have nothing to feel guilty about. Being a responsible adult who takes care of your money is not a privilege, it’s a choice and one you’ve clearly made at a young age. That’s something to be proud of. It’s not something you need to compromise on for love. If you continue to allow yourself to be unfairly subsidising this woman’s life, the laughs will soon dry up. I urge you not to let that coincide with the day when you see a zero balance on your bank account.
If you have a dilemma, send a brief email to mariella.frostrup@observer.co.uk. Follow her on Twitter @mariellaf1